So today I went to this store called Monkee's in Meadowmont, to shop, shop, shop! Just kidding. I had to do this skit for french class, and Winston works there, so we filmed it in the store. It's all designer things except for the fact that I've never heard of any of the names but whatever I don't really know designers. Winston picked out clothes for me and Vlada to wear (we were shooting a "commercial" en francais, bien sur.). I felt so awkward and out of place. The store was suuper expensive, and Winston picked out this short dress and high heels for me to wear. I don't wear dresses, or high heels. It was so awkward. I couldn't walk. and the dress was so short. And these people are so girly. I felt so 'salt of the earth' or something. Unclassy. It was weird and awkward and my prom dress will probably be like 20 dollars at time after time. Or possibly the dress I wore to my birthday party last year, except probably not.

Car in: 2.5 days. The appointment is at 2:30. I just want to go do it riiight now.

Je pense que je vais manger le dejeuner avec les peuples different. Avec elle. Avant le rendez-vous, je veux la connaitre un peu. Parce que j'ai beaucoup peur de n'avoir pas les choses a parler de. Avec le "awkwardness." J'espere que il y aurait le "chimie" (haha), si ce ne sera pas awkward.
JAIMEJAIMEJAIME les matins!
I dunno.
Bonne soir.

Now see I thought it was that good things didn't happen to me in the spring? I'm very serious. Spring is not a good season for me. I will list the things that happened to me since.. years ago. 
8th grade spring- signif. oth. of 2 years breaks up with me, grandma dies, my mom finds/reads my xanga and all trust is lost
9th grade spring- my sister leaves my moms house (dramadramadrama), elizabeth goes insane (dramadramadrama)
10th grade spring- i'm busted(all trust lost again), sexuality confusion gets quite serious
11th grade spring- hot girl asks me out?


Well I'm excited about tonight. Little hang out and bowling(?? hahah) with people and it will be quite fun. I'm running on four hours of sleep right now, i hope I don't die.

CATHERINE I haven't seen you in so long!! When is your spring break? I'm sorry I don't get online more. I just hate IM. Is your spring break next week? mine is in two. gah i need to see/talk to you.

I WINNN at life.

It's all in the title. jfdjkfdjkkjekjkjejjfdkfjdsk. Although not quite anonymous, but whatever.
CATHERINE, I'll tell details later. I'm just so excited. hahaha.  My life is awesome.

Also I think I'm hanging out with Kiersten finally for the first time since I was born or something this weekend. woohoo! and that cute little Cressler kid. Aw. Finally.

God today is just beautiful. Minus how I have to wait till Wednesday to get my license. It's actually getting funny how much I have to wait now. Actually it's really not funny at all. But. I know for sure it's happening Wednesday. Hopefully by then my car will have a front door. As of now it does not. My dad's working on it though, hahaha.


So happy.

It has the same effect on me every time I see it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.. I block it out. I don't really like admitting that I was hurt. I go directly to bitter.
She clearly meant more to me than I thought. God how many more times am I going to do this to myself?


I should just delete her as a facebook friend.
hahaha. no seriously.

procrasssstination.

My apologies, devoted readers. I have deprived you of my eternal words for far too long- I mustn't torture you this way.

I'm supposed to get my license tomorrow, but alas it is raining of course because the gods hate me. apparently davids windshield wipers aren't up to par and "they could give [him] a ticket just for that!" YAY so let's wait another week. aweeesome. :) I love waiting. :D:D:D


I have $2,012. 76 in my bank account. Go me.

Whenever I lose a chapstick after I recently bought it I always feel like I just lost months of smooth, unchapped lips. Like it's really losing much more than you'd think.

I'm watching Veronica Mars too much. I heard about that horrible murder at UNC and immediately wondered what sort of conspiracy happened, what drama induced her to be killed. I think they just wanted to rob her.

In my Othello paper outline I called Desdemona "Des. D." and laughed at my cleverness. Just kidding. But I can imagine if she lived (or ever existed?) now, her buddybudbud's would call her that.

Time to sleep.

Lily Allen is funny. She has that song about rejecting people. I didn't really jump on the bandwagon until like. a year and half after various people were like "LISTEN TO HER NOW." ... I got there eventually. haha.



Time to look at beauty.

She is perfect.
woah this lilly allen song is quite uplifting. "take what you take." it reminds me of some avril song, "who knows." hahahaha. MY MUSIC TASTE IS SO GOOD. okay but lilly allen is actually good. and avril has been my wife since like 6th grade. so shut up.

LOOK AT HER.

Her shirt is tucked into her underwear. In any other circumstance, that would be weird. But it's fucking adorable on her. hahahaha.

I am using tic-tacs as cough drops and I feel like I'm wasting so many tic-tacs but it's all that's in reach right now. and getting up is just too much.

Catherine you need to tell me about ..
I highly doubt I'll be getting online much anymore because my hatred for IM is growing endlessly.



I think that pictures will be a new feature of my very interesting blog.
(Notice the rainbow bracelet? That's like the first rainbow thing I've ever seen on her.)
Apparently the "Dog the Bounty Hunter" guy started yelling about f**s and such and I'm sure Tegan cried about that. But isn't that sad?
Yes, yes it is.

"Alfie" is funny! God.


WHAT. I don't even know what to say. I don't really care that much about the movies. But... I'm a tad stunned.


SO EXCITED ABOUT BIRTHGAY THIS WEEKEND! :)



there's a thing. that. yeah. i dunno. i'm deciding.

I have so much new music right now. Just. so much. haha. It's just... nice. I discovered this lovely australian girl, whom I mentioned in my previous post I think. And I got a new CD of this fave emo band I liked in middle school. His voice is just really nostalgic for me, I like to hear it to remember how I felt then. It's nice to reminisce, especially with music. And new (to me) Radiohead and Imogen Heap. I also have all this Liz Phair(good 90's stuff) and Cibo Matto from Christmas I need to listen to. Also, hahahhahahahaha, my mom came back from a library sale like a month ago and gave me an Indigo Girls CD. How awkward is that. .... So I have that to listen to. Also some old Northern State I never got around to listening to, because it sounded kinda eh at first listen. And a black lab cd, and Mika. Also I have all these Rachmaninov pieces to listen to. Because he just fuckin RAWKS. just kidding. But I'm playing this insane Prelude of his and it's probably one of my favorite pieces ever that I've played. It's up there with the Debussy Arabesque. Although I'm sure all two of you that might be reading this wouldn't really get the significance of that statement but whatever.
Anyway. I have this Rachmaninov CD and it's really lovely but in order to truly appreciate that type of music you have to just sit and listen and to find time to do that is a little hard. But I WILL do it. haha.

I feel pretty on top of things piano-wise, I just have to keep practicing everyday. I think it's better if don't pretend to practice before my parents get home, because I know I won't do it.

i miss my dad.

I've found that when talking to people that I don't have to lie to, I NEVER do. like. I can't lie about my experiences or what happened to me and I feel like a lot of people do but I don't know.


GO HILLARY!

So. Fun times were had by all last night chez Catherine. That sounds so suggestive. I didn't mean it to be. There's nothing to be suggestive about. HAHA I feel really awkward writing this, like I'm saying it outloud, to a bunch of people. I'm not going to delete it. Just because I can demonstrate to Catherine how I'M really awkward too. Even in writing.

I discovered some pretty music today. New Buffalo. It's beautiful. It's like a really calm baby of Regina Spektor and Feist. Hahahahahahaha. She's probably Canadian, because... everyone I love is Canadian. It's true. It actually happens to be a scientific fact. I went to this lab and they took all these tests, and apparently I'm only capable of love in Canada, or any francophone countries.

I guess I'll just have to move there.


So now I'm waiting for 7:00 to hit. That's when Kiersten comes to pick me up. There isn't much to do in this house. The internet continues to bore me, yet I repeatedly subject myself to it's addictive nature. That doesn't even make any fucking sense.

I went to see the house my dad is building today. It's weird to see a house built at random stages. The last time I saw it, it didn't have walls. Now it's just huge, and light, and open. I hope a happy family moves in there. I think I would love to live in that house. Each room has a walk-in closet and lots of bathrooms and this one room has this attic/storage space coming out of it's closet, it's so cool. I would like, knit and listen to music in there. There would be 3 doors between me and the outside world, but only a window between me and outdoors.

I'm feeling oddly poetic and I'm pretty sure I sound like a douche.


I've gone through almost two packs of gum today so I'll probably have a heart-attack later tonight.


I think the thing that makes me the saddest about not living with my dad, other than just not seeing him that much, is how he doesn't know the people I love. He has met maybe 2 of my friends, and the look on his face when he notes that he knows nothing about my friends breaks my heart.
But it's for the best.


This gum is getting disgusting. This strawberry fusion is not all it's cracked up to be. Should leave the fusion to nuclear energy. Or those razors.

Have fun kiddies.

Things have improved since my last post, dear reader.

First of all, things with my anonymous friend have improved. We talked for a while last night. So things are good with that.

Not much else has really happened. Except for... there's this GORGEOUS girl, who's like BFF with Margret. This friend goes to Chapel Hill, but she has her first period at East, so I always see her walk by the the mornings, and stare longingly. I heard she just broke up with her girlfriend recently. Oh and I've never formally met her before, but apparently, Margret and her friends talk about me.... :) ..... so she friend requested me on facebook.
I feel like that's basically just asking me out on a date.
Just kidding. We're not all like you, Catherine. Asking people on dates. hahhahahahaha.
but like. jfdjjjdjdjdjd. i dunno. Maybe she thinks i'm gorrrjus. or something. hahha.

Losing a friend is not fun. I hate it. It's been a slow and painful six months, trying to convince myself that we were growing apart, that we could still be best friends. Now it's finally registering in my head as... over.

Maybe I should say something to her. like. i dunno. something like "i realize we've grown apart but ...lets keep talking and doing stuff, I still want to be your friend."


I don't mean to be a one-note, or to try and say anyone's homophobic, but... since I've fully accepted my sexuality... that's when this all started. I began to be myself, and that's why we're not best friends anymore. It's my fault. We're too different now and she has all her chorus friends and she lied to me and i just want to.. go to a different high school. or-better yet- get the fuck out of high school. I HATE THIS. I just want to start anew and have no one know who I used to be so I can be accepted as I am now.

On a happier note, maybe I can make friends with Margret and her queer friends over at Chapel Hill. I'm looking for openings in cliques, if you see any listings, or know of anyone looking for someone to fill a space, let me know. I work well with others and I'm receiving my GED in a year. I've also worked at a BBQ joint, so I have good people skills. Let me know. I can do interviews if needed.
I took that "joke" too far.

SO here's everything that i did this weekend, in list format:


Friday night:

• school, duh, then
• worked. really hard. i had to run food, so it was like, double the work.

Saturday:

• Piano lesson.
  
• Out to lunch with my sister
• Drove to greensboro
• went to forever 21, bought two very cute hoodies.
  
• went to ana's appartment
• back to the mall b/c i left my jacket there. hahah. it sucked.
• Drove back to Chapel Hill
• Wendy's with Vince and Catherine
• Vince's house till 11.
  

Sunday:

• brunch with margret, childhood friend I hadn't seen in yeaaars
• work
• anti-superbowl w/ a couple people at vinces
• came home, practiced piano
• project runway.

It was just so much. I know to some that doesn't seem like that much, but to me it really is.


My mom has a crush on Tim Gunn. it's awkward.

Oh and I had a weird interaction at work. I was cleaning off a table and this scruffy guys walks up to me. He was my height or shorter, kinda sweaty looking. Mid 30's. He had already came and left, picked up a to-go order, so I didn't know why he was back.
He said to me, "uhh. excuse me. Are you a college, or high school student?"
"I'm in high school."
"Oh well, you're probably too young for me. I was going to ask you out."
I paused and looked a little incredulous. "I'm seventeen."
He said, "Oh okay." Then he smiles, reaches over and rubs my shoulder, and walks away.
With a mildly disgusted look on my face, I see a woman who was two feet away during this whole interaction, eating her barbeque and staring at me. She gave me a commiserating smile, I gave one back and walked away.
I then had to recount this whole story to my cousin who I've seen probably 5 times in the past 5 years. He works at Jim's now. Two of those times were in the past two weeks.

My life is strange.
Oh, and apparently I'm a hottie to some random CHHS queer kids. SWEET.

On that note....

I've gotten so much work done. Like I am just ON TOP of all that school shit. I just feel so... not-stressed. About that.

on the other side....
I'm so. out of friends. like I'm pretty sure I'm most comfortable with a medium sized group of friends who all like me and constantly invite me to stuff. I used to have that. I mean I'd rather have friends I actually LIKE. if I were still friends with that same group now... I wouldn't be happy. I guess I'm glad I'm out of that group.

But I want some group! i just have a random sprinkling of friends now, all over different groups. I mean... it's my own fault. I pushed myself out of that group.
....
ugh WHATEVER. I agree Catherine, High school does indeed = balls.

I have work soon. I wished I worked with some other people. I'm just getting sick of Yi-hui. and cassie. even though she's actually a complete sweet-heart. but I miss having like super-close friends to work with. blah. you know who I DON'T miss? the people I was really close with. haha.


So whenever I go on roadtrips, I always get stricken by this idea of how, on the highway, we're all traveling together and like, every person has their own little story, why they're taking I-85, or whatever. I tried to write this poem about it, but it was just painfully bad. I can't seem to put it in appropriate words that convey the message. I don't think i accurately said it just now, either. UGH NO ONE GETS ME. just kidding. :)

I just cleaned out my inbox, deleted messages back from 2006.

I feel clean.

Yes!
Today our GSA held a teacher training seminar after school. It was basically educating the teachers who chose to come (39 of them!) how to handle LGBTQ issues in class and just talking about what our club is all about!
Thaden came.. but left before it started. Oh well, the support is appreciated.
It was sort of a big deal for me because at the beginning we played this "trainwreck" game, where we'd read a series of statements, like "If you have ever concealed your sexual orientation for fear of losing friends, stand up." So basically I was outed to half my teachers. Which is fine, but most of them I'm pretty sure didn't know I'm queer. Buuuuuut they were the "cool" teachers so fun for all. ...I'm not sure what that means.

AND I got lots of compliments on my shoes from vince and lela.

Oh shit! I haven't read post secret yet. usually I read it at 12:30 early sunday morning. I set my alarm and get up just to read it. just kidding. I stay up. obviously.

So now that I'm writing in this blog, I've started to capitalize my words and i's because when I don't I seem illiterate.

Delayed opening tomorrow! Yess. Time to write a whole lab. Woohoo.
Have a good day. Catherine. hahaha.

 Soo this is my first blog since xangas in 8th grade. I'm pretty sure I don't have the organizational skill that is required to write a good blog, i'm all over the place usually. But i'm going to try because i did like it before, and i want to read catherine's. haha. I'm going to wait to post until i actually have something to say.
byebye.